Can you be alone?

The funny thing about being alone is that it’s just a myth. You’re never really alone. You’ve heard so many things from so many people for so many years that you’re never really alone with just your thoughts. You’re alone with their thoughts too.

A girl said, ‘I love your dress!’ to you yesterday and that made your day. You pondered over it for a while and now when you look back and try to recollect the expression on her face, replay the scene in slow motion, you realize that she probably just said it out of habit. Infact, you’re pretty sure you heard her say that a few more times to some completely outrageously dressed women as well. You smile and shake your head.

You faintly remember your English teacher correcting your pronunciation in front of the entire class. ‘But my pro-noun-ciation was correct!’ you say with eyes wide open in shock. She shakes her head and clicks her tongue, ‘Pro-nun­-ciation, my child,’ she says and lets out a deep sigh. Your cheeks go red. How could you make such a rookie mistake? It’s nun! Surely, you knew that? But you didn’t, apparently. You remember settling back down in your seat, sheepishly, feeling as if your cheeks were on fire.

You recollect being mad at your mother once. You shut the door really hard. It had become ugly. She was shouting and you couldn’t take it. You remember being six or maybe, seven years of age. Your finger got caught in the middle of the door and you remember yelping in pain. It wasn’t a loud yelp, you didn’t even jump. It was a puppy-whine, if you must give it a name. The point is, nobody heard. Mom was mad at you, so you didn’t even tell her. You just curled up on the bed, nursing the finger that had not yet developed as much as your ego.

You breathe now, wow, all these things clouding up your mind. You never can be truly alone, can you?

You remember walking in a really upscale clothing store and trying on stuff that you really liked but couldn’t afford and then it all comes back to you. You purse your lips now as you are reminded of how when you were walking out the saleslady told you that your fly was open. You let out a small giggle. What had you been thinking back then?

You think about your first kiss, so sweet, so sad. Your first fight. Your first meltdown. Your first outrageously expensive dress. Your first pedicure. Your first no-curfew party. Your sixteenth birthday. Your first time skinny-dipping.

You think about how the mango season was enough to get your spirits up for an entire week when you were five in a way that not even a new pair of shoes can now.

It’s funny how our expectations grow as we do, it’s funny how it’s important to learn how to deal with failure, rejection, hurt, regret, anger and humiliation more than clients, stakeholders, business proposals and profits.

It’s funny how all we want to do is spend some time alone, but we're always connected with each other, through memories, through the conversations we had once upon a time, verbal or while we were silently sitting next to each other on the backyard swing. We're connected through a long invisible thread weaving all of us together as if we were knots in a big sweater with the six-degree of separation rule carefully implemented throughout.

But, despite all that, sometimes, a lot of times, we want to be alone desperately, but we’re never really alone... are we?



Sarthak Ahuja said...

Disha! You write about such meaningful things, man. This should be made into a song :D

Chitwan said...

You know of those things we all do, or think about, and never really realize its not just us alone who do that, this was exactly that!
I loved this post. I could picture someone sitting and thinking about all those things while I was reading.

*orange plum* said...

I think being alone is overrated. It isn't half of what it's cracked up to be.
Also, I liked the whole idea off always having thoughts for company :)

Disha said...

Sarthak: Sounds fun but I am terrible at rhyming stuff. I can only get so far as.. cat, bat, rat, mat.. bleh. :)

Chitwan: Some writers do that to me too and I am glad I can be that person who people can relate to :) It feels comforting to go all, 'I KNOW, RIGHT?' every once in a while :)

Orange Plum: True, true.. but somehow it's the one common fear that we all share. No one wants to end up alone "forever". Another one of life's sweet mysteries, I guess :)